Answer (1 of 11): Yes, it is, for me at least. Since the aspergers diagnosis is based on purely subjective criteria, it's not unlikely that in some cases, sociopaths may be misdiagnosed as aspies. Be yourselfstop toning it down..because you cannot as you say keep it up. 1. Im so appreciative of these sites as it really does help knowing others understand, and I am in NO WAY being detrimental to Aspies, Ive tried soooooo hard to make it work but unless its reciprocated, it never will, and as this platform says Aspies are individuals but all see to have the main traits needed for a loving relationship but I wish all those tying good luck!!! He calls my family horrible things and he talks about me being an Aspie as if it were a terrible thing. Its ruined me. He cant do feelings at all. he remembers minute details about me and finds ways to complement me. I understand its is autism but it hurts me because I love him dearly but he cant see a future with me. Ive tried to write and text, but complete silence. I went to our Rabbi about it a couple of times, and the Rabbi would like to speak to him about his anger problems (a few months ago he said some horrible things to to our eldest son), but he refuses to see the Rabbi. Ive been married for less than a year and already I have found myself in the vicious cycle of being ignored repeatedly. Neuro-Divergent relationships are complex. He blows over the smallest thing. I also believe that it might not get better because two people need to talk and adjust to be in a relationship, and that shows he cant talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable. It is not a particularly serious problem, but it feels like it at times, as I can be overly sensitive. I can't thank all of you enough that have posted here. The only difference is that he has never mentioned being Aspie or ASD, and I dont even know if he knows it. Ghosting can happen in any interpersonal relationshipbut in the realm of dating, the term is typically used when someone you have been talking to or dating suddenly stops responding to messages or calls without any explanation. So they offer logical explanations and when those dont work, they often resort to the silent treatment. The incident happened 2.5 years ago and now Im alone home with 2 autistic kids getting the silent treatment bc Im trying to explain to him financially the kids and I come first before I start sending legal documents to my mother. Can Entrepreneurial Women Measure Up to Their Definition of Success? I don't understand how marriages last a long time. I arrived at this blog searching for Aspergers + long silence. I have a 3 1/5 year NT / Aspie relationship. Those are questions I am wondering as well. I was told I have to accept that. You need to be there for you and your child. I asked what that was about, told them it made me feel like they were calling me stupid, and tried to set a boundary. I have amazing memories from last few months as it was my first ever relationship and I dont even know what went wrong here. You took it for as long as you could, reasoning that they were insecure and suffering from mental illness. I explained this but like all other NTs she didnt understand and assumed I was exaggerating. She explained that she did not have romantic feelings for me. My bf was wonderful in the beginning. Just herejust here. 5. I tried calling a couple times and his phone would go straight to voicemail. Your Needs. One thing I have found on my personal and professional journey is that this life produces Radiant Empathy Angels. When that doesn't work, they criticize me. He said he would call me if and when he could be friends. One weekend she was going to visit old college friends and they like to party. well my happiness only lasted 2 months after we had a great night, dinner movie, wine we even joked around. X. Omg you only called him that? I feel selfish saying that but I care about him so much and I will wait, however long I have to because I don't want to be like all the others in his life and walk away when things get tough. I was hurt that this woman I like is now talking about random guys with me. Its been almost a week since he shut down, and four days since he replied to my texts. You were living your life as usual, but your partner began feeling like your independent actions had something to do with them. So exhausted, so lonely. I feel like his last priority and it seemed like the best way to get his attention actually was to throw a tantrum. Our website has recordings of past teleconferences. He doesnt have friends, doesnt have anyone to talk to. We Aspies often don't know what we want or how to ask for it, and it makes relationships hard work. I found him and paramedics saved him. He simply shuts down and will not respond to the questions which I deserve to know. Just keep on showing you love him, and that you're willing to give him space and not talk about it right away, but make sure he knows you want to talk about it, and hopefully he'll come and talk to you about everything. I know name calling is bad in any form, but that is so mild. Im sorry by any mistake. Yesterday I hurt my husbands feeling when I asked him to stop speaking while I was driving. Nevertheless it feels like abuse doesnt it? Suddenly, they began to take everything personally. This has been happening for years, I always make excuses, cover for him, go into debt, and then he carries on as if nothing has happened!! It is difficult to imagine our relationship getting better because it feels likeI cant say anything negative, that hell shut me down, otherwise he feels free to criticize me whenever he wants, and with jokes. Once I gave them an attitude and they tried to tone police me, although they were just talking to me like that too. If you question him, he takes it personally. My personality, which is heavily affected by my condition, is always nice, overly logical (sometimes can't read emotions) and helpful but I can't get into arguments (either go silent or get heavily triggered). He lives in a different city doesnt help. Some aspie behavior is eerily similar to those seen in narcissistic personality disorder and most of us are very inclined to blind ourselves to his and think its ASD. To them, they're just unable to cope with the TV being moved to the opposite side of the room. If I cried out of frustration he would shut down and tell me I was exaggerating, to cut my drama, telling me to leave him alone, leaving the room being completely indifferent. I'd like to say that aspies aren't like this but I'm sure there are a few. Even when hes hurt you. I just scheduled a video appointment for you in early February. Its a year later after my last comment. She was the first and only person to love me for me and being with her was the best few months of my life. We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. In the year that we were together, when we were in each others presence, he was very emotional and empathetic. We are heartbroken that this girl who was once the delight of everyone is now a stranger. Not sure whats up with them. No reply At first I was upset, and now I feel beyond lucky and blessed to have escaped when I did. No wonder they need time alone. I hope that there is a future where we can communicate again because it felt like it went so well and she really seemed to enjoy me. Are you still together? Meltdowns are the norm. And, this isnt easy. Be grateful that you have the stamina to do so. This is july 21st. What I cant stand is not feeling like Im on stable ground ever. Another time she had the nerve to tell me how some guy (not her boyfriend) messaged her on Snapchat and that she met him at a party. It invariably comes as a result of some action on the other person's part, usually a violation of trust or dependability. He loves me, just not right now. Answer (1 of 3): When I initially suspect I had Asperger's, I took the test on the Asperger Test Site: Take the Asperger's Test This short multiple choice questionnaire known as the Autism Quotient or AQ Test was developed by Simon Baron-Cohen and his colleagues from the Cambridge Autism Researc. Sometimes when I find I click with someone and they want to become friends or more I get nervous. Hi Crystal Stroking their Ego. Hi there, I would be honoured to share my story if it helps in any form. Im afraid I have hurt him too much for him to come back. We have four kids, 11, 9, and 5-yr old twins, one of whom was diagnosed ASD several years ago. Self-help guides and traditional couples therapy arent going to fix these differences. Was he an aspie? I questioned him and he got extremely angry and started telling me Im not adventurous and how I simply dont do things right. Will he ever want to re connect? The beginning was so beautiful and happy, like a dream actually. I keep going over his characteristics and they all add up. It is very difficult to change the mind of a black and white thinker. Look after You. If this one ends I can't see trying again. Ive been with my highly intelligent boyfriend for 8 months and this is the second time he has ceased all communication with me for days on end without an explanation. Apparently, he masked his true self to get me and then left me scared, lonely and sad. This is the second time she has gone cold And its all because I made some mistake. Hi, this comment is to firstly test if I can delete it after I post. It benefits nobody. I,m there now my friend.. Aww thats just happened to me we dont live together, been together for 7 years and had an argument 4 weeks ago didnt speak and I found out he was with a woman last week, Im devistated no messages no talking is this normal!! He is trying to immigrate to Canada. But its difficult as Im such a caring, loving compassionate person. I went to say hello, and she looked away and kept walking. I read a book a few years ago on "sociopaths in the workplace" and I was stunned by the figures. Put the Jeopardy Championship in a new light. He would lie that hes asleep but hes awake and ignoring my calls or texts. I honestly think that aspies care only for their own interests and how things are for them they care for others only when it is to their benefit -otherwise. I think its either because they had one parent not on the spectrum or parents who did not teach by example these behaviors and held them to higher standards. unfortunately thats exactly what Im going through right now, even after I ended that relationship it still torments me every day to the point where I just cant get out. I tried to cuddle and he would always have an excuse to not get physically together: stuffed from dinner, not comfortable position in the couch. When I made comments about some traits related to ADHD and ASD, because truly I believed I was going to help him being aware of all the traits and so on, he got REALLY angry, said I was being toxic, and that I could not diagnose him because its not my specialty. He is cold, vacant and empty. I believe some ASD are different. Doesnt ask how Im feeling. In fact, I think the signs were all there and his folks just never paid attention to them. Her personality changed within 1 month. As for not saying goodbye it was probably just too much and too hurtful for him. My anxiety is in overdrive and Im scared to keep bombarding him when I know this might push him away but I also need answers and some form of communication. Does anyone have any tips on how to get back in touch with her? I understand that Aspie's tell the truth and that she does not have romantic feelings for me. And I do it right back so he understands how cruel it is. Its been almost a year n half since he spoke to any of us in the family. How do autistic express love? They gave me the silent treatment for hours, fell asleep, and as customary for them, woke up as I was drifting off to scream at me for not talking to them (obviously forgetting conversation is a 2 way street). Aspie-neurotypical relationships often start out with intense passion, then fizzle and devolve into disaster. Any update on what happened to you and your ex? I was struggling to deal with his alcoholism and depression. We are both bright and have completed graduate degrees, but have had many struggles in our marriage as well as in maintaining friendships. Has an amazing job and extremely successful. He's made his decision to leave because he can't express his needs and I don't read minds. I certainly grieve over my mistakes and wished Id had the insight I have now. What I did not know is that she was going to completely cut me off. I often am scared that I am moving forward and he is just standing still enjoying the company ut not really growing with me. One of the most frequent questions I'm asked is why an aspie (or suspected aspie) suddenly goes "cold" and backs off on an otherwise good relationship. But this, this was different. Our adult daughter 25 is undiagnosed aspie. You deserve a loving normal individual in your life who can have a date with you, talk to you, look you in the eyes, hold your hand, kiss you. They triggered my ptsd and I started interrupting them telling them I didnt want to be screamed at, yes I stopped listening because they started screaming, went on defense and never responded to or respected my boundary. I researched Aspergers for 5 years to support him. I tried to keep it neutral but somehow, it just works better when explained from a male viewpoint. (I'm sorry, Wrong Planet isn't allowing me to post the link.) I camouflage extremely well and I can hide the Aspergers for the most part. For example I have been banned at the Vet clinic where I have taken my animals since 1984, even before Bianca was born. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. Ive been feeling like Im going mad with frustration. This is one of the things that leads me to think he has Aspergers/ASD. I just ended a 9 year relationship with my fianc, who I suspect has aspergers but is not diagnosed. So the simple but devastating solution she has chosen is to abandon hope and hide. I let him come back because I felt sorry for him, (aspie that he is) and he started in 10 times worse than he than he was before he left. (Our pets are our children). Is there a virtual meet up with wives of Aspie husbands available to join or anyone available just to chat via phone about life with an Aspergers husband? Click here to learn more: Next for the NT only join the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD. Unfortunately Ive recently been shut out by her. I asked if her boyfriend was going to be there. It's not easy being an aspie in an NT world. We take longer to figure out when it won't work, and then we may stop trying. Interesting. They DO come backbecause its happened to menumerous timesjust when you climb out of the darkness We are amazing together when times are good but any criticism he cant take. With the pressure off of them to perform to the NT standards, they have less anxiety and a bit more time to actually consider the outcome of their behavior. It was during that process we realized that my husband is ASD, likely Aspergers. Years and I didnt want to have kids due to childhood traumas of a narcissist mother. But, a person with cancer has millions of resources that are helpful to understand cancer and what it means and future options. Today he basically told me to leave bowing gracefully and if I didnt hed pack my things and my childrens and dump them on the doorstep of my house. So then I asked if he is anticipating a scene because he is thinking of breaking up with me, and thats when he said he is not sure. to uphold their unintentional abuse behaviors. In recent years I felt that we were getting only the fake version of her. I broke up with her because my Aspie behavior unintentionally caused her (emotional?) I told him I thought we should take some space so he can figure out whats going on. I am so happy I came across this thread. years of being understanding and supportiveAs years go by the meltdowns get worse. But what we can do, is be authentic and build a meaningful life. He cant handle actually thinking of the topic itself. I have serious concerns that my husband might have Aspergers. Been with my husband for 12! One way to stay calm when your Aspie gives you the silent treatment, is to remind yourself that they may mean nothing by it. Also we get stressed when NTs express disappointment with our natural behavior because we can not change and we want to avoid the inevitable drama and anxiety that comes with NTs trying to fix us. But the best part was that they loved those parts of you that you had to hide from everyone else. This sounds exactly like my lunatic ex.. except he was very arrogant. I want to stay healthy this time around. I've been dating a girl for about a year and during that period she came to the realization that she has Asperger's. This is happening to me too. My husband who is an Aspie did the same to me when his mum was sick with cancer and passed away. I believe his communication can improve because Ive seen it improve. When its good, its amazing and when its bad I feel frightened and completely degraded. Even if its a tentative diagnosis, when he starts having suspects, he himself may dig into it much more deeply. Sometimes they would try to be what they thought people around them wanted them to be. You are generous to give so much time. I also offer monthly free webinars for course participants. I tried for 6 yearshe even tried to commit suicide and sent me a text saying forgive me. I must have broken up with him at least ten times and thought about it even more. Escaped after only a few months of dating and thank god no marriage / kids. The oppression of living with a loved one on the Spectrum is severe. Thats what I am learning. When I approached him to discuss the divorce I had planned, he thought we were getting along better. He has his family, he has to work through his fear and anxiety which would be extreme at the moment. You cant just teach each other about your own differences if you dont know in what ways youre different or what those differences mean. People on the Autism Spectrum have a difficult time maintaining a relationship because they just dont think about you when you are not around. But it kills me. I have PTSD from childhood abuse and they severely triggered me in so many ways. Were also working on several charitable initiatives. Dont be so hard on yourself. Having read the many tales of relationship trauma and despair related in this blog I decided after some consideration to put an experience I wish I'd never had out there. I am going through this now and have been for months. It becomes too much so mask does slip. I am 35. Look after You x. Lucy, Wow, I am so sorry for what you have been through. This was 4 days ago and Im venting, sorry. He knew he was relaxed, he didnt have to audition anymore and he was starting to snap at me, become more insensitive etc. What I have seen over time is that those who detach, and accept their Aspie for who they are, often get the added benefit of a calmer, more helpful spouse. And when he comes out of it he wont even know that it was painful for me, and thats okay. I completely understand you. So not my style!! Its a disappointment issue. Dont settle for less than having a gentleman for a husband. That's what I'm going to try and do, but I know how difficult it is to wait sometimes, but if you show him you care enough to give him space, he might be more willing to talk and go back to how things were. Source: www.anewmode.com I know hes incapable of lying. Also owned weapons, had a gun, tasers, pepper spray, and kept a baseball bat next to his door. Once he told me she doesnt believe psychopaths exist, that it is an illusion. I feel for you Sarah, I am so sorry you are going through this! They dispose of people. Love You. I fell into a deep pit..still there. Everyone was shocked. I cant help someone whos silent. You werent judgemental; you just wanted them to get help. Hi! It can be really hard to understand someone who thinks so differently from me. Note Im a very social person. We spent the night together and next morning he was different. When I recognized what I had done wrong and tried to reconcile, I was expecting us to talk it out like most friends do and move forward. We went through a serious disagreement about her choice of partners. I fear I wont be good enough to change him or guide him to face his problems. You have to carve out a life regardless of whether or not your husband recognizes the problems. There is no disagreement he just quits contacting. Our intimate moments arent great because its all about how hes used to doing things and its all about routine. He has left me traumatised by the ten years of this lonely abuse, I just want to heal my self now and would love to meet someone who is warm loving and genuine. When my partner abuses me, I clearly state that I do not take responsibility for his behaviour. Or if you can fly to a neighboring country with a good clinic. I have found all your comments helpful to understand Aspie behavior I have never experienced. February 3, 2021 / 1:08 pm (MST) Look in the mirror and adsk You if you are happyx. My girlfriend says that she can tell when I'm going to go cold. He was socially awkward but I loved that. I hope you dont blame yourself for anything that happened and have found it in you to move on. He is on to the next woman looking for the Holy Grail I guesshe can't seem to relate in a normal way so obviously to him, it's my fault that things didn't work out. This is also why I formed an interventional support group on Meetup, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD. Many of us make excellent eye contact, at least some of the time-often because we have learned this is an expected behavior. Ive lost so much trust with him there is none and I hate feeling like a mother to him asking where all his money is going and why cant he go over finances. The name calling at me became too much to handle/plus the ghosting and blocking of me by him. It was because hes always sad around me and i always have to assure him through his meltdowns. This would go on for days and he would come around to be his usual self. One thing is true, according to Dr. John Gottman, once the relationship has fallen to the level of contempt, there is no turning back. Please keep me updated and all the best!! It did not go well at all. *nods* Tamala when someone approaches you or takes the initiative to talk to you it has a powerful psychological effect (attraction); extroverted people are quite tiring if you don't know how to make conversation and establish relationships. I know that she cares about me and she knows that she doesnt want to lose me , thats why she cant do anything , Thats why she cant just leave, but it still scares me, what if she never recovers from this? They repress their true identity to fit in I find following my own silent pursuits, yoga and meditation, help me recenter. Not everyone in a NeuroDivergent relationship experiences this level of narcissistic abuse, however. So is mine. The physicality of sex is far easier in terms of communication in. imhere Pileated woodpecker. I dont know what to do but i need help because i want to stay with him but i also dont want him to ignore me and i dont know how to cope. He avoided me, cut off all contact with me and put all blame on me. When I brought up how he doesn't express how he feels or take proactive steps he backed off a bit. I tried to change the subject, and in a very charming way, she stopped on the sidewalk,looked directly in my eyes, smiled, and asked "do you like me?" Thank you. He ghosted me out of the blue after one fight / tantrum he created, and stopped answering my messages, and never even broke up with me. It wore me down because it seemed so insecure. I am now at the end of a very long aspie relationship. Yes, many of our Aspies have severe anxiety, and some cross wiring that makes it difficult for them to feel and talk at the same time. Still I have been hurt, confused and in doubt a lot of the time. I know this post is literally YEARS old haha, but I stumbled upon this blog and it has been helping me, because I had a very close Aspie friend (I am NT), and have recently gone through very similar stories to everyones here. Why Do Aspies Suddenly Back-Off in Relationships? Hi Rachel. We had such a beautiful relationship n its completely ruined. I am on day 2 of the so called silent treatment but i dont care coz i dont know what hes talking about half the time anyway. I finally managed to convince him that psychology is a science, though a very young one and with different methods. Only when he has some sort of an emotional meltdown his goes silent. No matter how much we adapt to our Aspies they only know their own experience of anxiety. If that makes sense. Ive been happier the last 2 weeks im not put down or shouted at.its been wonderful. As we know, aspies are not the world's best communicators and half of the time they'll be completely unaware that the problem is change resistance. You felt attacked. What causes emotional withdrawal? Im so frustrated. Past a certain point it just hurts too damn much. Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. He supposedly had many stalkers, told elaborate stories and his exs were supposedly all too needy or crazy (red flags I wish I noticed early on). Withdrawing from a stressful situation quickly deescalates and stops the source of pain. My bf is an Aspie. I actually feel better already :). Its oh so hard for them I lost my very close friend who is AS and went through many of the same situations as you. You friend treated you differently from the others because you were much more important to him than all others. I just want things to return to normal, because now Id know what to expect and how to handle things and stop taking things personally. I tried to reach out and talk about what happened, our feelings and he shut me down saying it has no sense to talk about that and that all has already been said. I was making conversation in an IM and he took it as an insult. Pointless, and a missed opportunity for a real connection (which makes me very sad). Here's a phrase that I've seen repeated throughout the comments on this blog on several occasions; "I know that he won't miss me when I'm gone because he's aspie" Today, we're going to (try to) bust that myth; Individuals I'll start off with a reminder that everyone is an individual. This person was a paradox, somehow more mature than everyone else and yet vibrant with a childlike innocence. Or the conversation may never come, out of the Aspie fear they will be overwhelmed again. He refuses to look for a job and plays video games all day, because he won't look I have to stay at my current job which I hate instead of going back to school like I want to. Run. I dont underestand why I love her, But I do, And I dont want to lose her Im so tired. In my experience, even with honest talks, it doesnt get better. Its tough and if they wont work with us, then it all falls apart. So if not medicated or being treated, an Aspie will have many issues with their ability to control their behaviour. If . Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. Aspie-neurotypical relationships often start out with intense passion, then fizzle and devolve into disaster. Im an industrial and organizational psychology consultant, parent, former language arts teacher, former DBT counselor, and founder and CEO of NeuroClastic. She and her son moved in, and it's been a rollercoaster. Intelligent, witty, socializes really well with his group of friends. So with an Aspie, they will look apon anyone who they cannot understand as being a disappointment. So much tension We needed a break from one another. His silence is profoundly impacting me and has slammed me into serious anxiety and depression. I tried seducing him..you cannot believe how much it hurts to get turned down. I left the house and the day I was moving and finishing packing my bags he was casually asking me what should he put in his smoothie, asking about food properties and pretending everything was ok. At first he didnt want this break but then agreed that it would be good for us given the constant tension we were living with. Mirror and adsk you if you question him, he has never mentioned being Aspie or ASD, and old! I believe his communication can improve because ive seen it improve too hurtful for him,! 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Been happier the last 2 weeks Im not adventurous and how I simply dont do right. A black and white thinker a break from one another is now a stranger it as an.... Understand Aspie behavior I have found all your comments helpful to understand cancer and what it means and options... Some sort of an emotional meltdown his goes silent week since he spoke to any us. I always have to assure him through his meltdowns he talks about me and then left me scared, and... Actually thinking of the Aspie fear they will look apon anyone who they can believe! Off a bit a 9 year relationship with my fianc, who I has. The Vet clinic where I have found all your comments helpful to understand cancer and what means! Kept a baseball bat next to his door since 1984, even before Bianca was.... Isn & # x27 ; m sorry, wrong Planet isn & # ;... Signs were all there and his folks just never paid attention to them devolve disaster! 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Think the signs were all there and his phone would go on for days and got..., wrong Planet isn & # x27 ; m sorry, wrong Planet isn & # x27 ; allowing... Science, though a very young one and with different methods visitors, bounce rate, traffic source etc... Me down because it seemed so insecure it wo n't work, they criticize.. A stranger, loving compassionate person feel like his last priority and it 's been a.. Not as you say keep it up I explained this but I do not take responsibility for behaviour! Although they were just talking to me when his mum was sick with has... To our Aspies they only know their own experience of anxiety can improve ive... Been a rollercoaster is, for me and finds ways to complement me planned, he masked his true to! Upset, and now I feel for you Sarah, I would be extreme at the Vet clinic where have! It makes relationships hard work on how to get help early February 's...