Oh Lord, yes! You: Teach me how to play basketball, please! To go to his door Id have to find a parking spot (often tricky, could be blocks away), pay for parking, walk to his door, and use the buzzer which just calls his cell phone anyway! At other times it's more inappropriate. I am a messy person, who not only doesnt wear a bra in the house but who habitually spends the entire day in filthy pyjamas with un-brushed hair if not planning to go out. To the surprise of literally zero Captain Awkward readers, using words turned out to be what most people wanted! If I couldnt find one, I resented her when shed eventually show up and felt guilty about it. I am finally on track to maybe getting hired on full-time at a law firm at a low (but better than nothing) salary. And I never, never drop by someone elses house without warning! My gran is old-fashioned enough that she has actual calling cards with nothing but her name on them, so if she drops by someones house and theyre not home, she tucks the card in the doorframe to let them know she was there. Wow, yeah, SO relationships can be really fraught, indeed. What if they didn't want them to come, or wanted to keep the get together small? Your script(s) are: That sounds nice/Are you looking forward to it/Where is it/I hope there are no diaper cakes., Person#2: Ive got to clean the house, were having people over on Sunday., Red light means stop. (or text) I may not be able to, either due to existing plans, or lack of remaining energy for interacting with humans. Sounds like something Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory would do. In that happy, low key tone, you could say something like: A broader issue in whether inviting yourself is okay is how much will people like your company once you're there? It's another question without anything close to a quick, clear answer. I have a friend whose cousin will consistently show up to small gatherings dinner parties or tiny birthday parties, cocktail outings for girls nights out because they were mentioned to her and she decided that, having been mentioned to her, this was enough to consider herself invited. For example if Bob Alice Camille Davy et al all know that Bob and Gerry are going on their honeymoon starting on Friday, I will feel fine talking about the picnic on Saturday. Home vs. work,surprise! vs. planned, andyou inviting yourself vs. her inviting you,speak to escalating levels of intimacy. You must carefully gauge this and time the request with deft diplomacy. Did you want some company / help? Remember to spank her for being naughty when she leans over. If you cant master this obscure, difficult, and insufficiently documented skill set then youre just lazy and rude.. How to Get Over a Guy You Had a Crush on Guys are simple creatures, but it can still be frustrating trying to get them to do what you want. captain awkward i found these tips really helpful, thank you . I am still wondering if I have no manners, if my expectations are all screwed up, etc, but a counselor will hopefully help with that. Your presence will glorify this party. Those good old days are likely to have sucked for people with anxiety disorders/other mental health issues/chronic pain/chronic fatigue. Growing up society has taught you that most men prefer to be initiative takers and it gets scary when a woman takes the lead. I cant describe the horror that washes over me at the thought of a random drop-in, and there is not one single person on the face of the earth that could do that and not trigger that reaction. ". About 200-300 people show up to most Sunday morning services; obviously Im not going to invite *everyone*! Find 33 ways to say INVITING, along with antonyms, related words, and example sentences at Thesaurus.com, the world's most trusted free thesaurus. (when i say something i would have expected to be invited to i mean something others in a similar or seemingly less close relationship with them were invited to. For example, I often add in the (near) future, when asking if someone would like to get together as a number of people thought I meant right now. LOL! On the topic of work drop-bys as compared to home drop-bys, specifically the vibe created by the interruption: If a bunch of friends are seeing some kind of movie or concert, where it doesn't really matter how many people come along or not, and the attitude is often "the more the merrier", it's probably okay to ask if you can join. More answers below Cheryl Robinson-Atwood Former RN (1996-2009) Author has 2.4K answers and 1.9M answer views Dec 13 Sponsored by Forbes Advisor Best pet insurance of 2023. So I think the checking day of to make sure things are still ok is a person to person thing. You could say Im going to go to X Comic Book Store that day, want to join me? Youre not inviting yourself along on their day, youre inviting them along on yours. If you read, for instance, advice columns or domestic humor from eras and neighborhoods that did casual visits, youll find lots of stories of people turning the lights off and laying down on the floor to avoid visitors. I probably will teach him to invite friends over the phone eventually, but my guess is that it will be one or two years before he is ready to start it. Is it cool if I go to that? Even things they planned. Ring the doorbell I mean, some people like to do that to others anyway, but I hate to give them such good ammunition. I am not at your beck and call. I tend to go for is this a partners-also thing or a just-us thing? it means theyre not being asked to make a statement of whether or not my partner, specifically, is welcome. Wait for me to open the door and join you. Hope you resolve your health issues in some way, and are able to venture out again. Yeah, my schedule generally involves napping for several hours in the middle of the day. Im totally inviting Susie Cream Cheese to have dinner with me there. So I would say oh well Im free this afternoon too if you want to hang out actually no because reason OR that sounds like fun! the next day why didnt we hang out yesterday?. I so need to have more people over so this happens more often. Also, if you say youre coming around X time, come around X time. When I asked him about the surprise invites, his reply was, I thought it was efficient to get all my social obligations taken care of at once. I like the idea of just asking directly, but Id be uncomfortable using the phrase Im socially awkward, even in a joking and self-deprecating way, unless I really knew and trusted the people. I am going to discuss fun things with family with other family, even though family event might conceivably include all family. It can feel highly embarassing that you cant maintain higher standards. Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. I mean, math can still be hard, but its sooo much easier than solving math problems WITHOUT doing math, haha. Mezzanines description is honest; its just setting an agreed-upon check-in point in advanceyou need to check in and see if I want you to leave after X time, at which point I will let you know how I feel. Those are really helpful sometimes, especially if a person doesnt always realize theyre starting to feel run down unless the topic comes up. I dont think either method is wrong, but its hard to make them compatible. Well Im not going to call that one up to talk about our awesome plans, or afterwards to talk about how awesome it was*. Pretty much my favorite thing about my house is that, once Im in it, no one can interact with me unless I want them to. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time.. I love her dearly but I need more notice than wanna go out in an hour? I dont mind being asked because sometimes I do wanna be spontaneous but I also probably will say no most times and would like to not have to be in the position to have to constantly be the naysayer. When I get back into the world we wont be able to do spur of the moment stuff any more either, but my real friends understand that, and also respect my need for privacy. Yeah, this! There have been many fine comments in this thread that have gently pointed out that some people might not care to be visited at work, without throwing judgmental labels around. Its harder to say no than yes, so phrasing the question in a way that they dont have to say no makes a huge difference. At the same time, I get really antsy about people coming over to drop by even when I do have a good couple of hours of notice. She has been known to call AND SHOW UP IN PERSON WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT at my workplace, even. (*) You know, nude dancing in the most Brazilian way has some interesting implications . I think its easier for both sides to send a text. His sister got to the point of being able to call a friend to arrange a play date around age 9. Generally, with close friends, I do the text and make plans like now approach. But I wouldnt get nearly as irritated at them as I would at the door-to-door Vitamix salesman whos supposed to go away when he sees my sign. I think this is one of those areas that is super frustrating because there is just not a clear rule. Losing the chance to do that would be disappointing to me. I would only drop by a friends house unannounced or just-announced in extreme circumstances. Even if it's occasionally fine, it isn't something anyone should make a habit of doing, or take it for granted as a way to hang out with people. It makes foreigners crazy. People would say to me things like, Oh, we should get together soon! and Id say, Yeah, lets do that! Then Id wait for them to call me, because in the culture I grew up in, a person wouldnt extend themselves to say we should get together unless they really wanted to do that, and maybe they just had to go home first and check their calendar and the person who was on the receiving end of the invitation shouldnt call the other person, because it would be rude and demanding to not take them at their word. Doesn't matter what "vibe" you get off him, this is a man you barely know. We have a mutual friend who does this semi-regularly, and I love him, but I am a little feral cat and unexpected intrusions into my territory make me antsy for the rest of the day! But at this point (now that Im more confident with myself, which was the hardest thing) I dont feel obligated to invite All Members Of The Group but I also dont feel like I have to shepherd anyones feelings. I never had anyone randomly search my room, but I too have privacy as a trigger (my issues growing up are a pale shadow of what you went through), and boy do I understand. Inviting yourself over to someone's house for dinner? The calling out thing troubles me. I felt like this was sort of a default thing that everyone did until I met a friend of a friend and we became semi-close. Be clear about when you plan on arriving and leaving. I poured out my heart. Its a pretty good rule of thumb for friending, as it is for dating, I find. This, 100%, and can I just make a plug for when you are dating someone, THEY ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY INVITED TO EVERYTHING YOU ARE INVITED TO. The following conversation ensued: I like to not wear pants in my own house when it is hot outside and I feel like not wearing pants. And very rarely is the answer reschedule. Obviously, you don't want a frustratingly long commute or the risk of traffic to dampen the mood. Which makes it especially annoying when they then go and ring my *mobile phone* after failing to get an answer from my home phone. We have talked about this. You are getting the chills and feel like you want to go home with him. Hoshit, I missed the cleaning remark the first time. I dont understand it. Or even the clock on the hosts wall being a couple minutes slower than the one in the guests car. Word. I too have been in a fairly fighty friendship that was often, like you say: wow I have no idea why we are in this situation. For more information, please see our Moose Hut! Im severely physically disabled, and my partner is disabled to a lesser degree, we both have autoimmune issues too. Theres a difference between mentioning and discussing, though, eh? It can sometimes be tricky if youre coupled up and everyone else is single (Ive been on both ends of that). Click here to go to the free training. I completely plan to be where we said, when we said! Im also kind of allergic to planning sometimes because I have no idea if Ill be having a depressive episode or some other shenanigans that day and have to cancel, and I dont want to be known as that person who randomly flakes on everything. The less long term friend events planning I can do, the better. The picture Im getting is that LWs friend is trying to redraw some boundaries and doing an sloppy job of it. Youre not the queen and they have shit to do. Or very close family. Were in a cultural phase where Are we still on for tonight? is an actual question people text you 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them, and its so great to hang out with someone for whom Come by my place Saturday at 9:30 means I will go by their place Saturday, at 9:30 without any further confirmation or negotiation being necessary. Its a lot about how much lead time I need to prepare the proper conditions for the activity. Even if some or all of those things were not true, I still, like everyone else, have a right to privacy and personal space. I also have a school-state, in my role as a student. This was a bigger issue for my girlfriend at the time, but after a certain time hospitality would dictate that we offer food or drink, which extends the visit and expends house resources. If Im ok w/ them coming up, I will invite them (and they know it). I think Laura Ingalls Wilder imprinted that on me. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Cant reply to twomoogles here, so Im getting as close as I can. That it would never occur to me to perceive that others regard me as less-than for possibly benefiting from their input may also help. We had made plans to watch a show but hadnt specified an exact time (he was assuming normal end-of-my-workday time). I mean, thats a short enough time that a drive can easily vary by that much depending on how you hit traffic lights. We dont have to call their entire history of the LWs actions being appropriate or not into question. It definitely hurts Mr Birds feelings to find out later that his dad, who we have a good relationship with but are only able to see a few times a year, was in Big Town all day with plenty of free time and didnt stop by (or call to see if wed be free that day). But I also think that its one thing to set boundaries with friends and family, and another with people you are intimate with because even if youre not actively cohabitating, not having the kind of relationship where you can share space would feel very alarming. If she says 3pm pick something fun to do, and leave your house at 3:15. I seem to decode unsolicited advice as a show of caring and a genuine interest in my needs. I am depressed. Maybe by unpacking this for you we can make a lot of people feel more comfortable and less anxious about this. Like, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one. Sometimes it's totally fine. It indicates that he wishes to engage in sexual activity. But. Some people love regularly showing up 30/45 minutes early every time to the point where weve started saying doors open at 6 because otherwise who even knows. Ever. And so, count your blessings that cleaning is a hassle but not a source of shame brain-weasels. Architecture and city planning has a lot to do with it; I cant imagine it happening in suburbs where houses are widely-spaced and hard to travel between. Yeah, his reaction was so weird. Don't just say, "I was thinking I could come over on Friday." The end. we dont all have to be the best of friends, but when i get signals that someone doesnt want to spend time with me, i dont think of that person as a friend. Yeah, definitely my building has a lock on the front gate that can only be opened with a key, no buzzer/code to punch in/etc., so my friends have to text me in order to get to my doorbell anyway; I would rather they just text me and have me run out to the car to save them the trouble of parking! Don't expect him to have everything you need. Ill probably decline, because thats a lot of work I hadnt planned on doing. The people I remain consistently close friends with for years are the type where we can ignore each other for two months and then pick up where we left off and have a good time, no hurt feelings. Wow. But maybe thats me assuming everyone else suffers from certain GSFs. If people are showing up uninvited at the door of someone who doesnt like it, that someone would have to have a conversation asking them not to do the thing they are doing, possibility coming across as unfriendly in the process and creating some awkward tension in the relationship. I just had my birthday party, so I had a bunch of friends over last weekend, and my apartment hasnt been so clean since.I threw my birthday party last year, I think. (Hell, even the Geek Social Fallacies mention that work is a common class that people are allowed to prioritize in time and attention above friendship. Another time maybe and then talk about something else. Get a small to medium sized bag for your things. Part of the home visit dread in my life is the potential endlessness of it. If you, a person who lives in my giant city but not anywhere near the suburb where I live, happen to find yourself in that suburb, and want to grab a coffee/see a movie/a meal/a drink/a manicure. Im socially awkward Is this an open invitation event or [just friends from work, just school friends etc].. In the texting age, I expect ANY of my friends, including a significant other, to text me a heads-up before they appear at my door. Its a drag having to answer the door, as I would prefer to ignore solicitors. Im firmly in the camp of food is not bad and I refuse to feel guilty for it. But I did start noodling around on Twitter more recently, and all of a sudden I started getting more invites from my friends who use Twitter as much as I do. Absolutely not for me to drop by but also not for other people to drop by here. Id say, just go ahead and ask. I personally find it sad, as so many times the reason for wanting to end a friendship is based on miscommunications that were left to fester until the only thing left to do is demote the other person to an outer circle, or cut them out of ones life altogether. Oh, great! My example above works well for both his and my anxieties. That depends a lot on the setup of your home/street. My brother and sister-in-law wound up super-stressed because not only did her mother and father invite themselves over, but they brought her brother, his wife and their twin toddlers. Me: Ummm have fun? But only she knows why she reacted that way. Let's say a friend mentions that they are going hiking over the weekend with their roommate. He's not going to know your reasoning for wanting to come over and will be more likely to turn you down. What's tricky about all of this is how much it depends on a mix of factors. When I was a wee child, my family was visiting with another family, and when my parents were ready to leave, they went around and asked each kid if we wanted to leave or stay and keep playing. Which might be fine, but might feel invasive depending on your relationship with the person (I frequently carpool with people I dont know well, who Im in no way on a visiting each others houses kind of relationship with). 1 pm. The whole work-home thing is pretty cultural though. It also depends on how involved the last-minute thing Im invited to is. Asking a little in advance gives me a chance to refuse if Im busy or say yes enthusiastically (and shame-clean) if Im not.. If Im not specifically invited I assume Im not invited. Something playful that you can say is that you have plans after that and must leave his place by a certain hour. But since were all contributing our opinions on drop-in culture, Ill say I love it. ), ps. I like your suggestions about neutral spaces too, will definitely use that in future. 3. In the other case making plans was nearly impossible and incredibly inconvenient, so dropping by felt like a nice surprise. Its definitely been the type of thing where they expect four people to join them for their birthday dinner and BAM, Clueless Cousin is there already. If I overheard that Id think that A is surely going to Bs house later that day. :-) UPDATED: So I had a conversation with my friend about something else, and it came up in conversation and she invited us, so we're going there. My space is not your space friend, it is mine and I want to keep it that way! You talked 10 seconds ago, could you zip it with the honking?? My friend and I had a pretty serious chat and there was a lot of awkward uninviting done by NOT ME because I did not make that mess and I refused to clean it up. This "friend" is no longer invited to my home. Werewolves not Swearwolves. Then I realize theyre not going to punish me, they really were just asking, and its no big deal going forward. You want to leave open the lines of communication, but otherwise treat her as you would a casual friend you were getting to know for the first time. Nobody dropped by after about 8pm without prior arrangement because the children were in bed there were rules. This right here. Me, too!, Oh, youre a vegetarian now? Like, maybe we will both be in the same house on Christmas Day. So I did a frantic quick clean, left the place unlocked, and left them a note saying that their child would be home about an hour and a half after their arrival, and Id be there about an hour after that. Like theres a huge difference between dropping by unannounced and saying something like Cable at my new place wont be hooked up till next week, can I watch Nurse Jackie with you at your house on Sunday? But navigating that kind of thing can be pretty tricky, and you do have to kind of gauge how close the friendship is and what the other persons preferences are before you say something like that. Number 1: All of this. I think that's often what's really at the heart of it when people ask if it's okay to invite themselves somewhere. And if he invites you over or comes to keep you company, then you are a clear winner in this situation. I mean, were all grown-ups now, and a valuable adulting skill is learning that you arent automatically awarded an invitation because youre Part Of The Group. Then she would get an answer thats specific to her local culture. Thats seriously a thing?? Its not Im coming to see you, its Im coming past you, and thought it would be nice to see you. Maybe she feels encroached upon for other reasons, and shes afraid that letting you drop by her house will open the door to frequent drop-bys in the future. Here are nine things that are bound to happen when you spend more time at your significant other's place: 1. She even brought a boyfriend that she knew I hated to my graduation dinner, uninvited, that my parents were paying for and was only for about six people, including my grandparents. Mentioning that you are getting married in a month and are busy with wedding planning, in the course of some other conversation, is hardly a taunt. That is why some even go as far as comparing it to playing chess. If you just want to come in and chat and you have not ASKED beforehand or something, not going to happen. (Also, whats with assuming that people will be at home? NONE OF THE REST OF YOU ARE INVITED. Call first. You, therefore, dont have to feel embarrassed about taking the bold step as it is perfectly fine. (I particularly dislike it when someone asks are you free this weekend without specifying why they are asking!) 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